


all these years

by just_peachyy



Category: Gintama
Genre: F/M, Fluff, M/M, first fic yo pls be kind ahgadhfgadj, kinda a drabble??, mitsuba arc had me fuuucked up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-06-24 04:49:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15622911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/just_peachyy/pseuds/just_peachyy
Summary: Hijikata has a day off. There's a festival. After that, work.Set after Okita Mitsuba arc.





	1. 1/2

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic that i've uploaded!! Please feel free to leave any criticism in the comments. Thank you for reading!! I'll be in your care ^^

"For Pete's sake," Hijikata sighs, reaching into his pocket for his cigarettes. He lights one, closing his eyes and cupping his hand around the flame, relishing the first burst of nicotine that clears his head and calms his nerves. He shifts his grip on his crutch and leans against the oden stall with a small sigh.

A mother herds her kids back to the main street, her voice unintelligible amidst the hubbub of the festival. Hijikata watches, half hidden in the shadow of an oden stall. He's in a black yukata, but people still recognize him from the shinsengumi, and it makes them nervous. Not everyone, though, and he's relieved that he can blend into the crowd somewhat. Hijikata is bitter and angry, frustrated and furious with himself. He thinks he made the right decision, but the world seems off kilter.

Sougo must hate him. Mitsuba must have died hating him. Kondo must resent him. Hijikata swallows hard past the lump in his throat and pulls hard on his cigarette and leans farther into shadow.

"Hiding?" Someone says to his right, and Hijikata suppresses his flinch and turns to them, expressionless. It's Odd-Jobs, dressed in a yukata with dark flowers along the hems, the sleeves, the back. He looks serious for once.

"Somewhat." Hijikata doesn't feel like picking a fight today. He looks away from him and leans against the oden stall.

"Me too. Kids are so disrespectful these days." He says, but his eyes don't leave Hijikata. He can feel their weight against his face.

"Leave me be, Yorozuya. It's my day off." Unbidden, his voice shakes. He closes his eyes to ground himself. He's half in Bushu, half in Edo. He feels unmoored, like he still has painkillers clouding his senses from the hospital.

For a second, he thinks Odd Jobs actually leaves; but when he opens his eyes, he's still there.

"Can I have a cigarette?" Gintoki asks, and Hijikata looks at him for a moment.

"These things will kill you." Hijikata says finally, drawing out his pack and shaking one into his hand. Gintoki takes it, bends gracefully for the flick of light. Hijikata watches the way the flame lights his face from below, highlighting the deep shadows and angles of his face, making his lashes nearly glow. Then he clicks the lighter shut and puts it away, and the spell is broken.

"You should go home if you're still in mourning." Gintoki exhales a thin stream of smoke away from the conversation.

Hijikata turns his head away and grits his teeth. "Leave me be, Yorozuya."

"Hijikata."

"I said-"

"Here." Gintoki pushes a bag of rice crackers into his hands.

Hijikata's hands are frozen around the bag. Gintoki gives him a small, bracing smile.

"They're super spicy, so make sure you have some milk. They might make you cry." He walks away without another word, leaving the vice-chief in shadow with a bag of crackers.

***

He leaves the festival and walks along the river. There are a few people around - stragglers, one drunk, some couples leaning against each other in the half light. Hijikata sits on a bench and smokes, the bag unopened. He leans his crutch against the seat and runs his finger along the handle, sighing out a thin stream of smoke. He couldn't bear to stay in the hospital. He'd managed to get out of bed and into the lobby twice on the first day before Kondo - with dark shadows under his eyes - signed papers to get him out early, and sent him home on a couple days of leave. He knows the Shinsengumi has been working nonstop since the Tenkaiya bust. He wants to be there. He _has_ to be there - but the thought of running into Sougo makes him almost nauseous. Kondo had called to make sure they hadn't torn each other apart, after confiding to Hijikata that Sougo had taken leave too. He wonders if they're avoiding each other.

He types up reports from home instead, sitting in his living room with the windows thrown all the way open, trying to make work take up all the space in his head so he doesn't have to think - doesn't have to mourn. He knows that the whole of the Shinsengumi is ragged from the loss. He had glimpsed some of the squad from his brief séjour in the hospital: Yamazaki had lost his terrible afro, Kondo had seemed barely able to stand, dark circles beneath his eyes and his cravat tucked improperly. He didn't see Sougo. He should probably see him and explain to him but what good would it do? They both have prides the size of Edo.

He shifts and winces as his ankle flares. He can't face Sougo in the state he's in. Besides, it will be like facing Mitsuba, a face in the mirror out of the corner of his eye. Hijikata closes his eyes and he's back in Bushu for a moment, on the engawa of his small home. Mitsuba is in her pale kimono, small hands wrapped around a cup of tea, talking animatedly about something...dragonflies? Fireworks? Her eyes are softer and much more gentle than Sougo's. Her lips smile much more easily.

She must have died hating him.

Kondo must hate him for being so selfish.

Sougo...he must want to kill him.

He rubs a weary hand over his face and ashes the cigarette in the little pouch he carries, and he sits there for a while until the festival behind him slows and eventually starts to close. He listens to the murmur of tent poles clicking together, the tarps and flags being folded. His watch tells him it's nearing eleven.

"Oy. You should go home."

Hijikata turns his head. Yorozuya is standing there without his entourage of glasses, China, and his freakish dog. He looks smaller.

"I'm busy." Hijikata says.

"Mourning?" Gintoki sits next to him without asking.

Hijikata doesn't say anything, and stares stubbornly at the river.

"Let me walk you home." Yorozuya's voice is soft.

"I'm not drunk," He says. "And I'm not going home yet. Leave me be."

"Ah ah, leaving a mourning man alone is one of the worst things you can do. Especially if he's wounded."

Hijikata feels his blood pressure slowly rising. "Who put you up to this, huh? Kondo-san? Yamazaki? Just leave me be, Yorozuya." He spits. He's bitter, he's hurting, he wants to lash out and throw things and yell. Odd-Jobs is one of the last people he wants to see much less talk to.

"You'd be surprised." Gintoki mutters, kicking a pebble into the river. Hijikata heads the click as it lands on the shallow bank.

"Who?"

"You know who." Gintoki told his head back so that he is looking up at the stars. "He...cherishes you in his own way. You're important to him."

Hijikata swallows hard. "What time is it."

"Late."

Hijikata closes his eyes.

"Let me walk you home."

"What are you, my mother?" Hijikata snarls. His temper flares momentarily, and he forgets that he basically has a hole in his ankle. He stands up, towering to his full height over Gintoki, and grabs for his crutch. He stumbles, and Gintoki moves fast and catches him.

There's a moment where their chests are touching and its so stupidly cliche that Hijikata wants to let out a huge, hysterical laugh. Gintoki looks him square in the eye and sets him back down on the bench. "You tell me when you want to go. I'll wait."

"Don't be ridiculous. You have those kids at home, you should-"

He cuts himself off at Gintoki's expression. "Hm."

"What?"

"You take me by surprise, that's all." Gintoki shrugs. "And it's alright. Shinpachi has a day off tomorrow and Kagura won't worry about me, she'll probably sleep through the entire day."

Liar, Hijikata thinks. But he nods anyway, idly. He lets out a shuddering breath and watches the stars peek out from beneath their shrouds, dampened by the eternal lights of Edo. Bushu's stars were bright and fierce, and Hijikata would often watch the sun set from his kitchen window, setting the horizon ablaze, coaxing the stars out from hiding. Mitsuba liked sunrises more, and she was up early to watch the world around her wake up.

A tear drops into his lap. He ducks his head and turns slightly away from Gintoki, his shoulders shaking. He muffles his sobs into his hand, pressing the bag of rice crackers to his chest. Everything is crumbling. He's shaking apart. He can't make heads or tails of anything anymore. On normal days he would have rather died than cry in front of others, much less Gintoki. His chest aches fiercely: God, he misses her.

Yorozuya's hands are on his back, rubbing gently. Hijikata takes in a shaking, gasping breath, but doesn't shrug him off. It must be nearing midnight when he stills and turns back to Gintoki. The older man looks at him with a muted question in his eyes and Hijikata nods, grabbing his crutch and standing on shaky feet. He sways, and grabs the back of the bench to steady himself; Gintoki sees and slides his arm around Hijikata's waist, taking some of his weight. He doesn't complain; he leans on him as they walk towards the street.

"Which way is it?"

"Off of main street. Left here." Hijikata murmurs. Gintoki follows his directions wordlessly, and Hijikata lets himself relax into the lull of walking, the firm, reassuring press of Gintoki's warmth at his side. He's almost dozing off when they get to his house, and he fumbles with the sleeve of his yukata to draw out his keys.

"Come inside. I'll call you a taxi." Hijikata says, turning the key in the lock and sliding the door open. His apartment, he realizes belatedly, is a mess. Gintoki lets him go and follows him inside, stepping around the boxes of files and stacks of books littering the floor in the dim light. There's a bright square of moonlight on the sofa, and Hijikata sits down, lighting a cigarette and reaching for the phone.

"No, wait. I'll walk home. Gotta clear my head." Gintoki says. He hesitates. "Are you going to be alright?"

Hijikata gives him a rare smile. It's small, and wavering at the edges, but Gintoki's heart lifts either way. "Eventually."

"Good." His tone is too tender. He fakes a huge yawn and stretches. "I should get going."

"Was it really Sougo?" Hijikata asks suddenly, his face turned away from him.

"Client confidentiality." Gintoki tilts a smile at him.

"He must hate me." Hijikata says, almost to himself.

"Maa, Gorilla was right about you! So was Zaki, you cynical bastard."

"Oy-"

"People aren't one dimensional, Oogushi-kun," Gintoki grumbles. "He's your friend, isn't he? How could he hate you?"

Hijikata breathes out a smoky sigh in response. He could think of a couple good reasons.

"He told me," Gintoki lies. "He told me he understood why you left her. Why you rejected her." He forges on as he sees a pained look cross Hijikata's face. "She still loved you in the end, I know it. She was grateful she saw you in front of the mansion. You loved her back, didn't you? She must have been-"

"Right." Hijikata says curtly, cutting him off. "Do you want the taxi?"

Gintoki is silent. The air between the two of them is sour, and the moonlight has turned cold and sharp. Hijikata is looking anywhere but him, taking deep drags off his cigarette and letting the cloud of smoke hang around his head like a bad dream. There's a beat, in which he can almost hear the cogs in Gintoki's head turning as he weighs talking back and leaving.

"No thanks." Gintoki finally says. He leaves with a backward wave, and Hijikata hears the opening and shutting of the door and closes his eyes.


	2. 2/2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter!! if you guys have any questions or just wanna talk, i'm [drunkmaenad](https://drunkmaenad.tumblr.com) on tumblr! Huuuuuge thank you for reading!!

When he finally comes into work three days later, the meeting hall is dead silent. Not even his threats of seppuku could bring this kind of stillness about. Everyone stares at him openly, and he can feel his eye twitching. He reaches for a cigarette, mentally does a head count. Sougo isn't here. And while that puts a shallower, more cowardly side of him at ease, another deeper part of him knots up tighter with worry. But Kondo had reassured him - Sougo answers the phone when he calls. He is in mourning, and he is arranging for his sister's funeral.

He finishes reading off a list of duties for each division and looks up from the paper. "What are you looking at? Get to work!"

As the men scatter, some of them lag behind, shooting furtive glances at him. He sighs inwardly and heads for the doors, his shoulders tensing up like they do before a fight. This is stupid. They're acting like schoolboys. And while he feels a good deal calmer than he did during the festival, he's really not in the mood for a confrontation.

"Vice-chief!" Sakumo calls after him.

"Hm?" He turns, lifting an eyebrow. He really doesn't want to do this today. Maybe he should have taken the week off like Kondo had suggested.

"Ah-" Sakumo scratches his head. The other men, Sosuke and Tadashi, are looking pointedly elsewhere. "We were wondering if - if you were alright. I mean - not only us, but the entire force -?"

"Quite." Hijikata half-lies easily, coolly. "Thanks for the concern."

"But, vice-chief - I mean, if there's anything that we can do, anything at all," Sakumo gives him a bracing, furtive smile.

Bring her back, he thinks, before he can stop himself. He forces the thought back and faces them, even trying for a brave smile. He doesn't know what his face looks like. He just hopes it's not a rictus of pain or anger. "Thank you." He says sincerely, and he really does mean it. The Shinsengumi is his family. He would do everything in his power to protect his men, and he knows that they would do the same.

They give him one last smile, salute, and disappear into the barracks for the day.

He watches them go with a strangely bittersweet taste in his mouth.

**

He's scheduled himself for nearly back to back patrols. He doesn't want to be at headquarters to be ogled like a zoo animal. He wants the distance. His mind feels like a calm pool before a windstorm, susceptible to the slightest disturbance.

He walks with purpose into Kabukicho, arrests a man for pickpocketing, helps an old lady with her groceries. It's not a very bad day so far, and the thought of Mitsuba's funeral is in a corner of his mind, minding its own business and waiting until Hijikata lets it out for its turn.

Kondo calls twice to check up on him, once to invite him out for drinks. Hijikata declines, making up a story about a stack of paperwork waiting for him. There's a beat of silence and dread where Hijikata knows that Kondo knows that he is lying; but he lets it go with a hearty guffaw and a joke that Hijikata is truly married to his work. The conversation leaves him drained and blank. He lets his mind wander on a leash. He thinks about the night Gintoki walked him home after the festival (and for the umpteenth time, curses himself for allowing him to show such huge mood swings and breakdown to someone like him), the things he said before Hijikata had basically kicked him out.

He's a big asshole.

He should go apologize.

He should go apologize to Sougo too but at the moment he would rather walk across broken glass barefoot. He doesn't even know where he lives, and he'd rather not do it over the phone.

Whether consciously or not, he starts checking - out of the corner of his eye - for a familiar shock of silver perm in the places that he frequents. His patrol takes him along the river, near the cheapest Pachinko parlor, the cafe where he drinks his coffee and he eats his parfaits. The Oedo mart. Hasegawa's corner. Otose's snack shop, Yorozuya (which, he observes with a bit of disappointment, is unoccupied), and back to the river.

Hijikara decides to give up as the sun begins to stretch towards the horizon, and he finishes up his last patrol loop and ends up at the diner that he frequents. He orders his Hijikata special, trying (and failing) to keep up with the shopkeeper's banter. He eats slowly, absently, and his bowl is half empty when he hears the bell above the door jingle cheerfully. He turns his head on habit and sees with a jolt that it's Gintoki.

A look of half annoyance, half relief crosses the other man's face. "I was looking for you all day, bastard!" Gintoki scowls, sitting down heavily next to Hijikata. He orders his sweet bean over rice and looks expectantly at a very dumbfounded, lost-for-words Hijikata.

"So was I," he finally gets out. "How come you were-"

Gintoki shakes his head and digs into his bowl. "You're such an idiot. I wanted to check up on you."

"What?"

"I wanted to check up on you. I went to the headquarters and waited around for a bit, went to your house too-" Gintoki shrugs. "Should have guessed you were doing patrols."

Hijikata looks at him for a moment.

Gintoki stares right back. "How come you were looking for me?" He asks, startling him out of his trance.

"I wanted to apologize," he starts, "for how I acted that night. I shouldn't have kicked you out, I know you were only trying to help."

"Damn right." Gintoki grumbles, but he's looking at Hijikata with a terribly soft look in his eyes. "Are you okay?"

Hijikata nods, at a sudden loss for words. He doesn't feel like he's lying; rather, he hates the thought of Gintoki worrying about him.

But maybe he is a bit alright.

**

They walk out near the river as the moon rises, following the water out a short way until it gets to the ports not far from the Tenkaiya bust. Hijikata is smoking like a chimney, his cellphone burning a hole through his pocket as he contemplates calling Sougo and scheduling them to meet up somewhere. It's about time he ended this. It isn't a matter of pride anymore, is it?

"Look," Gintoki points up at the sky, at a small flicker of light shooting from one end of the horizon to the other.

"A shooting star?"

"Maybe," Gintoki shrugs. "With the light pollution you shouldn't really be able to see that kinda thing, probably just an amanto."

"Oy, let me think that it's a shooting star. And I didn't know you knew big words like light pollution." Hijikata shrugs, tossing the butt of his cigarette into his pouch.

Instead of retorting back, Gintoki lets out a laugh.

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing. You're just becoming more and more like your old self." He looks over at him, tilts him a fond smile.

"Her funeral is being planned," Hijikata says suddenly. "I think...once I go, once I see Sougo, things will be..." he trails off. He thinks Gintoki understands.

The other samurai nods, staring up at the sky. "She wanted you to be happy," he says. Early moonlight catches in his hair, making it glow a heady silver; his skin looks icy pale, untouchable, as beautiful as a marble statue.

"I know." His heart pounds. "Oy. Perm head, look over here for a second."

Gintoki looks at him curiously. Hijikata leans forwards and presses a gentle kiss to his lips - Gintoki's mouth is chapped and warm, slightly sweet from his dinner. He kisses back, reaching to put his hand on Hijikata's waist. His body sings at the contact and he leans closer, putting a slightly trembling hand on the back of Gintoki's neck and brushing a thumb through the hairs at his nape. The kiss is chaste and soft, and Hijikata pulls away from him after a beat, his mind clear for the first time in ages. Gintoki is bright red and he can't help but laugh. Gintoki opens his mouth to speak but Hijikata's phone trills, interrupting him.

"Sorry," he says, flipping open his phone without looking at the caller. "Hello, Hijikata speaking."

"Hijikata-san, it's me." Sougo sounds tinny over the line. Hijikata's heart leaps into his throat.

"Oh, Sougo," he clears his throat. "Listen, I was just thinking about calling. Maybe we could meet up somewhere to ta-"

"Save it, Hijikata-san." He sounds just like his usual self. "I'm just calling to say I'll be at work tomorrow."

"O-oh," he stammers. "Okay. Okay."

"Right,"

"I'm...very, truly sorry about your sister." He says softly.

"Thank you," Sougo says, and he doesn't sound like he is running through the lines. He sounds sincere and nearly broken down into the young twenty something year old that he should be. "Hijikata-san, I understand. And tell Danna I say thanks."

There's a lump in his throat. "Thank you, Sougo." He says, but the dial tone answers him. He snaps his phone shut, smiling down at it.

"So?" Gintoki asks.

Hijikata sighs and lights another cigarette. "He's a brat. He says thank you." he says, turns to face Gintoki. "Thank you."

Gintoki shrugs, but there is the beginning of a small smile at the corner of his mouth.

Hijikata feels a thousand times lighter, after all these years. He closes his eyes, tilts his face into the gentle breeze coming off of the sea. Now he only owes Mitsuba an apology, and he'll get there.

After all these years.


End file.
